I Am Becoming Obsolete, Part II

First result for a Google Image search on “dick trends” (don’t ask):

Uh oh. Sorry, ladies: things are looking grim.

How Could This Possibly Be a Real Quote?

“I’ve been trying to go to Iraq with Hillary Clinton for so long,” Lohan, 20, tells Elle magazine in its September issue…

You and me both, Lindsay. You and me both.

She also explains that she wants to learn how to shoot a gun because she has “a dark side. I watched all those videos on Charles Manson for a while.” Are we sure she doesn’t mean “all those videos by Marilyn Manson”?

Can We Say “Future Career”?

“The blogosphere is a new political force,” said Peter Daou, who became blog adviser to Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., in June…

—Mark Spencer, “Bloggers Deflect Political Credit,” Hartford Courant 12 Aug. 2006.

I Am Becoming Obsolete

Some of the sounds for boys’ names also shift back and forth over time, although change is less common.…we find a substantial increase in the n-ending in the second half of the twentieth century, peaking in 1975 at nearly 40 percent of the leading boys [sic] names and now moving downward (by 1993, n-endings decline to thirteen from the nineteen found in 1975).

—Stanley Lieberson, A Matter of Taste: How Names, Fashions, and Culture Change (New Haven: Yale University Press, 2000), 99.

Fuzzy Math

Behold the genius of the Soulmate Calculator (which sounds a bit like a relative of the Anti-Life Equation):

Your probability coefficient: 0.0077616.

You have to meet 129 American single females who are between 20 and 25 years old.

You might have to move.

I might have to move? I have to meet that many people? I’m worried!

Don’t worry. In the near future, dating will be solved.

Finding your soulmate will be a lot easier.

The reader is then directed to, among other things, “Find out why online dating services don’t work.” Right below, a large green button invites the reader to “Learn More About Our Free Dating Service.” Well, as long as it’s not online, I suppose.

Ceci N’est &c.

I’ve seen this kind of thing before, but something about encountering it in an e-book is especially weird:

Wikipedia, of course, already has all the angles covered:

The phrase is a self-refuting meta-reference, in that it falsifies itself by its very existence on the page in question.

See also.

CURRENT STATUS (I will notify Facebook momentarily): trying to simultaneously read Collapse, a book on Microsoft Access, and Mark Bittman’s utterly peerless How to Cook Everything. Lunch will probably be a peanut-butter–and-banana sandwich on Whole Foods–brand whole-wheat sandwich bread (two endpieces — pretty tragic), lettuce (the dregs of a semi-slimy head of romaine — Whole Foods never has the good stuff at night), and maybe a baked potato with cheddar cheese if I can figure out the technology that requires. Dinner, you ask? Linguine (the wrong kind of noodle for this dish, apparently, but I am insane) with olive oil, garlic, and garbanzo beans (maybe chiles too!). And maybe some Swiss chard with pine nuts and currants, if I manage to buy some chard and figure out what it is (not in that order) before too late.

In short, I have used a day off from work to prosecute class warfare. Also blogging. Class(y) blogging. Ass blogging! Ass flogging! Ass-flossing (I hate that nasty term “buttfloss” — like, gag me w/a spoon, you know?).

In conclusion:

2. buttfloss

A thong on anything for anything.

"DAMN! Lookit that buttfloss"

Scandimania

In those two Vinland sagas, the main North American sites visited by the Vikings are described briefly and given the Norse names of Helluland, Markland, Vinland, Leifsbudir, Straumfjord, and Hop.

—Jared Diamond, Collapse (New York: Penguin Books, 2005), 207.

Viking: shit we have discovered north america!

Other Viking: yeah there is helluland there

Viking: what do you think we should call this north american site

Other Viking: …

Viking: …

Other Viking: [Hops.]

FIN.

Yes, I know whose style I’m ripping off.

I Hear It’s Easier to Get In That Way

Courtesy of Alex:

About Me:
im new to facebook, just transferred here, im from new york…

Not to brag, but I was accepted early-decision. Mark Zuckerberg didn’t even make me pay a deposit.

Who the Hell Decided “Ned” Was Short for “Ed” Anyway?

Lamont wins.

Fucking internet. First Snakes on a Plane, now this.