Sunday, December 31, 2006

KEYHOLE CONFESSIONS YEAR-IN-REVIEW 2006

It's the roundup you've been waiting for.

Best Internet Things of 2006

  1. Blogs.
  2. Firefox.
  3. ING Direct.
  4. Wikipedia.

Things on the Internet That Aren't That Good, Actually Kind of Bad, but I Still Fuck with Them of 2006

  1. BoingBoing.
  2. Newsarama.
  3. Any Gawker blog, especially Gawker and Lifehacker, but with the possible exception of Defamer. Do the words "fall off" mean anything to you, Mr. Denton?
  4. Google. j/k Google is really good!!

Internet Personalities I'm Obsessed With/Want to Be, Male Edition

  1. Ze Frank/Merlin Mann/Jason Kottke. These are all basically the same guy. One of the cutest parts of Infinite Crisis was when someone, maybe Alex Luthor, revealed that Kyle Rayner would have been the Earth-8 Green Lantern (and Breach, the Earth-8 Captain Atom) had the original Crisis not occurred. This is kind of how I view these three wired hipster hunks: they would have been the same superhero in three different universes, but instead they're three slightly different superheroes in a single universe. Is anyone still reading?
  2. Cosma Shalizi. The man is a genius. Read his notebooks.

Internet Personalities I'm Obsessed With/Want to Be, Female Edition

I don't like girls.

Best Single Girl I Know

Jackie.

Best Intangible Christmas Gift Ever Given by Me to My Girlfriend (in 2006)

This one. (Mouse over the large yellow duckie.)

Member of My Tiny Audience Who I Expect Will Think Less of Me Because of the "Personal" Nature of This Post

Luxemburg.

Kind of Hole I Never Want to Talk About with Anyone Ever Again, 2006–07

Keyhole. This poses some problems.

So Last Summer

Journalism.

So Next Summer

Capitalism.

Blog to Watch, 2007

New Sulky Notes. "The presence felt, the pressure is on." Sulky has already challenged my dominance over the "quoting definitions from Urban Dictionary" sector of the blogosphere. What will the new year bring? For one thing, a Clipse mixtape subtitled The Spirit of Competition. That is relevant here. "I'm the best since he died and he lied / The spirit of competition / One [blog] could start jihad."

Best Blog-Related Business Idea I Came Up With Last Night

T-shirts with bloggers' faces and names on them. (Sulky helped with this idea.)

Neurotic Blog Practice That I'm Going to Straight-Up Brag About of the Year

In keeping with the principles of content–style separation and semantic markup, I tag foreign-language words like so: <span lang="lat" xml:lang="lat">Carpe diem<span>. (The attribute redundancy is required by the XHTML 1.0 specification.)

Personal Blogging Rate, 2006

Sometimes.

Personal Blogging Rate, 2007

Constantly.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

The Question(s) of the Day

This nation of 27 million people spent much of the day crowding around television sets to watch mesmerizing replays of a videotape that showed the 69-year-old Mr. Hussein being led to the gallows at dawn by five masked executioners, and having a noose fashioned from a thick rope of yellow hemp lowered around his neck. In the final moments shown on the videotape, he seemed almost unnaturally calm and cooperative.

—John F. Burns, "Hussein Video Grips Iraq; Attacks Go On," New York Times 31 Dec. 2006.

  1. Is this good or bad for the drug-legalization movement? (It is clear that this kind of charming/"finely observed" detail — "yellow hemp" — is a "thing" par excellence.)
  2. What exactly is "unnatural" about cooperating with your executioners? Doesn't almost every state-run execution proceed in this fashion? Not to do what I'm about to do, but "discipline" has long since overcome the kind of chaos and uncertainty that greeted the ancien régime executions Foucault talks about in D&P. Hell, even our good friend Charles I famously took his execution in stride, way back in 1649:

    Then he called to the bishop for his cap, and having put it on, asked the executioner, 'Does my hair trouble you?' who desired him to put it all under his cap…

    Then the king asked the executioner, 'Is my hair well?'…

    After a very short pause, his Majesty stretching forth his hands, the, executioner at one blow severed his head from his body; which, being held up and showed to the people, was with his body put into a coffin covered with black velvet and carried into his lodging.

    His blood was taken up by divers persons for different ends: by some as trophies of their villainy; by others as relics of a martyr; and in some hath had the same effect, by the blessing of God, which was often found in his sacred touch when living."

    [Via.]

    I wonder how long it will take for bits of Hussein to wind up on eBay…

    'I'm Hung like Saddam' t-shirt

    Perhaps the best thing about this logo: it's from an eBay item described as "SADDAM HUSSEIN anti iraq war t-shirt mens peace arabic." Well, I guess that's as effective a protest as any we've had so far…

The Square on the Robot's Left Shoulder Is a Sensor of Some Kind

Steve Ballmer, via the L.A. Times:

Many technologies have the potential to catch fire, including Internet television, mobile video devices and even robots.

He's not lying.

This has been the second in a series of crude cartoons based on comments made by Microsoft executives. Stay tuned for more.

Oh Yes He Does

Bill Gates does not eat 1,000 times as much breakfast cereal as the valet who parks his car.

False. Check out the pictorial evidence.

[Quote via Free Exchange. Picture via me. Now that I have internet access in my room, I'm basically living in a universe of my own creation.]

Friday, December 29, 2006

I Will Look on Your Treasures, Gypsy

I get the reference and everything, but this is just in poor taste:

'I Want to Make a Romance Inside of You' t-shirt

He's So Pleased to See Them!

Bush surrounded by Teletubbies

We're all familiar with the Mission Accomplished incident, but did we realize that Bush was greeted on the aircraft carrier on by Teletubbies?

P.S.: This is my 100th post, apparently, not that that means anything.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

You Have to Admit This

the words 'DEATHLY HALLOWS,' written by my mom on a piece of scrap paper

So apparently that's just the title of the next Harry Potter book. But you have to admit that, without that information at hand, it's kind of weird to discover something like this in your mom's handwriting. It's like: is she trying to tell me something? Am I in danger?

Kamino

  • Today the FDA released a draft risk assessment re: meat and milk derived from cloned animals, which basically said that it's not dangerous at all. Of course, why should it be? If the animal is really a clone, there's no reason to expect there's anything wrong with it that wasn't wrong with the original animal. And since cloning is still really expensive, it appears (i.e. the Times and the FDA tell me) that the technology will, for the foreseeable future, only be used to preserve good breeds, not to mass-produce critters. It's not like they have accelerated-aging tanks full of green goo, which I'm pretty sure is the crucial missing link between what we can do now and what they did in Episode II. Maybe we'll end up eating the grandchildren of a clone of an especially genetically awesome cow or something, but who really cares?

    Everyone, apparently. Or enough stupid consumer groups to get the story in the news. Look, I'm perfectly willing to believe that the FDA would approve some nasty technology because an influential or rich company wanted it approved, but here I'm much more inclined to side with the scientists than with the self-appointed advocates who clearly haven't read the 700+ pages that the FDA released today, let alone the published studies they're based on, and who can only profit from further confusing the public about what cloning actually is. Even BoingBoing — BoingBoing, of all places/people/blogs! — seems to think that clonemeat is icky, that it's going to be in stores tomorrow, and that, I don't know, it probably has DRM on it or something. Yeesh.

    Admittedly, though, I'm a little uneasy over this phrase from the FDA's press release: "The draft risk assessment…draws science-based conclusions." Are those like faith-based initiatives?

    And there's still the strange phenomenon of the giant clone fetus, known among scientists as "Large Offspring Syndrome" (LOS — no Wikipedia page!), which hardly sounds more official if you ask me. Basically, when you clone some animals (mice are apparently exempt), the babies sometimes turn out big and deformed and nasty. Also, "LOS newborns may appear to be edematous (fluid filled)," but that happens to the best of us from time to time. Anyway, the mysterious and disgusting placenta seems to be the culpable party in all this, as well as the even more awesome fact that clonebabies sometimes have huge belly buttons. So blame the placentae, not the cloners. Placentae are like mitochondria and cats: always plotting something.

  • Science quote of the day:

    Obesity in late-gestation cattle is a commonly reported problem resulting in anorexia…

    If only it worked that way in humans…

  • Now out of date, but probably worth mentioning, via BoingBoing: an "Army vehicle piñata" for your next jihadarama:

    photo of Army vehicle piñata

  • Another leftover, explanation of which would ruin the effect:

    French guy on stilts holding up the hair of some lady while she looks in the mirror

Those are all the headlines for now, sports racers!

WHAT IS THIS THING DOING IN MY HOUSE

a donkey piñata that was in my house

??

His Name Is Probably Hideki

Printing images using a PictBridge compliant printer

[…]

Notes:

  • You cannot print movies.

Also:

You can use the following batteries below:

  • R6 (size AA) alkaline batteries…
  • ZR6 (size AA) Oxy Nickel Primary Battery…
  • HR 15/51:HR6…

You cannot use the batteries unlisted above

I've done a fair amount of listing in my life, but I can't say I've ever had the pleasure of unlisting…

A few minutes after typing that out, it occurred to me what they're trying to say there: you can use the batteries they list, but you can't use any batteries they don't list. Duh. But there's something extremely strange about speaking of "the batteries unlisted above." It sounds as if they're actively committing a deed called "unlisting" upon a definite set of objects, as opposed to merely neglecting to list some hazy blob of stuff — as if, whenever they enumerate some possibilities, they're also not-enumerating every single other possibility, where not-enumerating is a physical exertion that requires an expenditure of energy, sweat trickling down their foreheads. As D.L. said recently, every time you order something at a restaurant, you're simultaneously not ordering everything else — and the anxiety he expressed over this ineluctable aspect of the human condition is about what I imagine was experienced by some Japanese guy at the Sony factory where my camera was made as he painstakingly unlisted all the non-R6/ZR6/HR 15/51:HR6 batteries he could think of, hoping against hope that he didn't forget anything.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Exegesis

So, as previous entries have already indicated in abundance, I'm currently reading a book called Dressing the Elite: Clothes in Early Modern England. It's by no means a terrible book, but it does exemplify a phenomenon that I've noticed, in my diletantish way, in a lot of recent historiography: the baleful influence of the perceived need to make an argument. Dressing the Elite is, at bottom and at its best, a collection of citations, anecdotes, and examples, many of them funny, most of them interesting — but it doesn't exactly make a point. It just sort of assembles different materials pertaining to clothes from a range of disparate sources and writes sentences around them — a bit of summary, a bit of light analysis. There's certainly some light shed on what people were wearing back then and just how intensely they worried about it, but nothing earth-shaking. If you ask me, though, that's just fine. There's nothing wrong with compiling information, publishing it, and moving on. This is how people learn about things. It's a valuable enough public service — maybe not so valuable that a book needed to be printed putting this stuff out there, but if we lived in a world of fully electronic academic publishing, it would most definitely be worthwhile to let this work circulate on the internets.

But because the academia of today insists that scholarly works can't just compile information but must also make contentious, counterintuitive, non-commonsensical claims, Dressing the Elite ends up going in for a lot of dodgy, secondhand critical-theory nonsense that doesn't really help anyone understand anything. It's a pose, not an argument — but it looks enough like an argument to pass for one. For instance, Vincent (the author) mentions how pretty much everyone who writes about sumptuary law says that it was kind of dumb, not really enforced, never worked, etc. But she follows the lead of the plagiarist Alan Hunt (who was attacked in these "pages" on November 26 — no links, catdogs, I'm offline!) in scare-quoting this whole line of discussion as, like, totally "obvious." Therefore wrong.

Tempting as it is to accept this at face value, Hunt, from his revisionist position, warns us against such easy assumptions. To think so is to fall into the trap of equating the enforcement of a law with its validity and significance (Vincent 140).

You know, I would have thought that was a pretty safe trap to fall into in most cases, if by "significance" you mean "significance to the average person at the time, or let's say to more than 1% of the population of the country." And I have no idea what "validity" is supposed to mean there — a law that goes unenforced is certainly still "valid" if it was passed by means of the proper procedure, but all that means is that it's a law.

We're supposed to be impressed by the counterintuitive move of sidestepping the enforcement issue, but the problem is that neither Vincent nor Hunt have actually uncovered any evidence that previous researchers missed. So they just try to spin it differently: "Hunt points out that the paradox at the heart of the sumptuary project is that, although supported by the majority, it was impossible to enforce compliance with its provisions. 'Indeed enforcement always ran the risk of alienating the broad consensus that favoured the existence of such laws'" (Vincent 142–3). The idea is that people were sort of in favor of ending excess in apparel, but they didn't want to stop wearing fancy clothes themselves, so they might favor a law about it, but they wouldn't really follow it.

This is just a "human nature" point restated in slightly more pretentious terms by people who would shudder to be associated with the notion of a "fixed," "ahistorical" human nature: people kind of want to punish their neighbors for stuff they do, but they don't want to be punished themselves. Not that profound. But in the course of dressing up this point, Vincent and Hunt casually make up a bunch of stuff. "The sumptuary project" (there's that goddamn word again) was "supported by the majority"? The majority of whom? Occasionally a majority of the House of Commons and the House of Lords would vote for one law or another, but plenty of these laws failed to command majority support. But the unqualified use of "the majority" clearly hints at a broader meaning: a majority of the population of England. But obviously there weren't public-opinion polls in the 17th century. And if there had been, they wouldn't have been particularly relevant to this issue. No one has a clue whether or not the majority supported sumptuary laws or even knew about them, but through sheer rhetorical oomph Vincent & Hunt can kinda sorta pretend they do, even though they would deny it if pressed. Likewise there's that bit about "broad consensus" — these are just words. How broad? Give me some numbers, Hunt. You almost certainly don't have any, because votes in Parliament weren't counted with anything like consistency during this period.

Vincent moves on to a pretty cute story about how the then Prince Charles and the then Marquis of Buckingham got caught passing through France wearing crappy disguises — fake beards that fell off. French dudes were like, "Um, you guys are hell of shady with those fake beards; what gives?" They were like, "Here is a bribe" (I think). The end.

But Vincent can't just stop at telling a cute story, so she has to ask silly questions like "with their disguise but not their identities exposed, why were these men so questionable that their movements had to be marked and controlled?…[W]hat was so transgressive about not being as they seemed?" I mean, isn't this kind of, well, obvious? Disguises in the night = thieves. You wear a disguise when you don't want to get caught for something. It's not "transgressive"; it's just suspicious. "Marked," "controlled," "transgressive," the idea that caring about differences between "being" and "seeming" makes you an authenticity-obsessed reactionary with weird sexual feelings: these are just stupid vocabulary tricks that give a patina of critical-theory gravitas to a kind of affected ignorance about why someone would be worried that Englishmen with fake beards were wandering around the countryside at night. Hell, I'd be worried too if I were a 17th-century French guy, and I certainly don't have any weird sexual feelings.

Vincent also riffs on how everyone hated vagabonds and vagrants and were super-scared of them. All of those attitudes go, of course, into intense scare quotes, because we postmodernists have to love and cherish the rootless and the marginal. Okay, fine. The vagrants got a raw deal, their lives were terrible, and the noblemen and gentry were major assholes. But why does this mean we have to pretend that they were just hallucinating the dangers? Vagabonds killed and stole and did unpleasant things, which made it scary to go around at night; you can retain sympathy for them, or claim that the fear was still overblown in proportion to the severity of the danger, but those positions are too obvious to take, so Vincent has to basically suggest that all the fears about vagabonds were invented. Because, I don't know, everyone was scared of cross-dressers.

I've kind of lost my thread here, and I'm sure no one is interested in reading more examples of poorly justified arguments about 17th-century English clothing. But my bigger, equally poorly justified argument is this: Vincent's heart isn't really in all this hand-waving wankery. She doesn't try especially hard to make it compelling. Maybe that's simply because she knows that her audience will just accept that this is the way you talk about "the body" and such nowadays. But I feel like what actually happened was that she got interested in a funny little topic, drew up a list of cases to analyze, and forced herself to make more of them than she really had a right to, because That's What Academics Do. What a waste. Why not just let it be what it is?

This is sort of related to a point that Unger makes in Knowledge and Politics when he distinguishes between the classical humanities — grammar, theology, and legal doctrine — and the corresponding social sciences — linguistics, the sociology of religion, and the sociology of law. No one really does the former anymore: developing and recapitulating old ideas with minor adjustments, treating oneself as part of the same tradition as the stuff you're analyzing instead of as a distanced, third-party observer. It's more modest, more boring, maybe, but there's no reason to think that it has to be less rigorous or precise. And it's among the kinds of stuff that I really admire, come to think of it. Massive scholarly editions of esoteric old books, annotated novels, comics that refurbish but don't fundamentally alter characters like Cat-Man or Kite-Man or Plant-Man (all villains, incidentally): stuff that's ambitious in a limited but still occasionally major way, stuff that respects the past even as it moves beyond it, maybe recognizing that, yeah, it will probably never matter to anyone that this punctuation mark is a left bracket in Manuscript A but a left brace in Manuscript B, but fuck it, let's just mark it down anyway, because goddammit there is a thing called integrity in this world, and when we cut corners and fudge facts, we know we're doing it. And that's what makes it so dishonorable, even when the stakes are low and no one gets hurt.

That's why Alex is right to be annoyed that Marvel published a comic in which Spider-Man has a baby but has since refused to acknowledge that this ever happened. Sloppy and arrogant.

Happy birthday, Alex!

EDIT: I can't resist documenting my continuing annoyances.

With pseudo-scientific precision the rogues were sorted into complicated sub-groups, each of them named and explained.…Like insect specimens they were labelled and described, pinned to the page by the sharpness of textual observation (Vincent 157).

Well, we can hardly blame pamphlets from the late 16th century for being "pseudo-scientific" — science itself was "pseudo-scientific" back then. And the amount of violence inflicted upon the rogues by making up silly categories to put them in is roughly comparable to the amount of violence inflicted upon mullets or hipsters by those little books that do the same to them.

The Inheritance of Acquired Characteristics; or, Lamarck Vindicated

In 1617 William Jones, in warning his readers, related the tale of a pregnant woman given to wearing ruffs. Afterwards she gave birth to a child with 'a peece of flesh of two fingers thicke round about, the flesh being wonderfully curled like a Gentlewomans attire'.

—Susan Vincent, Dressing the Elite: Clothes in Early Modern England (New York: Berg, 2003), 130.

Synchronicity

Via my headphones, 50 Cent's "Surrounded by Hoes":

Everywhere I'm at, everywhere I go
I stay surrounded by ho's
Even when I'm trying to be on the low
I'm recognized by ho's

Via my research:

In 1562 a proclamation protested at 'the use of the monstrous and outrageous greatness of hose, crept alate into the realm'.

Legally Blonde

On 11 January 1591/2, an attorney by the name of Kinge appeared before the Privy Council. Kinge was 'presumptuous' and presented himself before their Lordships 'in apparrell unfitt for his calling, with a guilt rapier, extreame greate ruffes and lyke unseemelie apparrell'. Presumably arrayed in his best, the unfortunate – or foolish – Kinge had dressed without regard for the acts and proclamations of apparel, and was in breach of the law. The Privy Council recommended that he be dismissed from his office and lose his job.

Such regulation by law of what a person may or may not wear is, within the broad outlines of 'decency', today in the West considered an unacceptable infringement of individual rights.…

—Susan Vincent, Dressing the Elite: Clothes in Early Modern England (New York: Berg, 2003), 117.

She can hem and haw as much as she wants, but Vincent still has this exactly wrong. If I testified before Congress or argued before the Supreme Court wearing, say, a t-shirt reading "U KNOW WHAT I SELL" or "STOP SNITCHING," I'm pretty sure they could pretend this was contempt and kick me out of everything. There's basically nothing strange or unfamiliar about the Privy Council's reaction to the "unseemly apparel," but Vincent, for the sake of a then/now comparative flourish "the past is a foreign country" etc. etc. riff, pretends that there is.

Just saying.

Holiday Remarks

  • Italian food: just as Chester French's frontman once described the band's work as "music for people who don't listen to music," this is food for people who don't eat food. And, much like Chester French, it's extremely good anyway.
  • Presents received:
    1. Digital camera (MySpace-style shots of my reflection in a mirror TK)
    2. Beef jerky
    3. one (1) box of Constant Comment teabags
  • Why do legal documents do that "one (1)" "two (2)" thing anyway? Is it just a failsafe system, i.e. there's a chance that someone (probably that cotton-candy–brained secretary of yours!) will "goof" and mistype a figure once, but there's a much lower chance that that person will make the same mistake twice in the same place, and any inconsistency will immediately throw up a red flag for editing? Or is there something more/less to it?
  • I kind of get a kick out of Richard Posner's monomaniacal efforts to examine every single social issue through the lens of simple algebra and simpler economics, but there's something a little troubling about the distribution of his opinions. Last week on the blog he shares with the economist Gary Becker, he wrote in favor of the New York trans-fat ban — basically because consumers are too stupid to internalize the now widely publicized findings about the negative health effects of trans fat, thus justifying a smidgen of paternalism. But this week he's literally arguing, albeit with a few caveats that come in toward the end, that the number of drunk-driving deaths that occur annually in the U.S. is optimal. Valuing a human life at $7 million, and assuming a 0.001 chance that drunk driving will result in a fatality, the expected cost of drunk driving is $7,000. But drunk drivers probably enjoy drunk driving about as much as they enjoy getting $7,000. So cutting down on drunk driving will make us worse off on average. I don't think I'm being particularly uncharitable in my reading of the argument. I would link directly to it, but I'm typing this offline; it should be easy enough to locate via the Google if you're actually interested.

    At some point Posner (or was it Becker?) also argued that pre-emptive war on Iraq (or whoever) could be justified even if the likelihood that Iraq was ever going to do anything to harm the U.S. was very low. It's not hard to figure out how this works: you just have to multiply the low probability of a major attack by the extremely high cost that the U.S. would incur if such an attack happened. If you have the right estimates, then you can make the expected (/probability-weighted) cost look pretty scary indeed. Some blogger took this logic and ran with it, arguing that we should pre-emptively invade the moon, since, while the probability that moon-men a) exist, b) are hostile, and c) possess weapons of mass destruction is very, very low — say, 1 in 1012 — the cost that they would inflict on the population of the earth, including loss of all life, destruction of all property, and deletion of all blogs, would be extremely high — say, $1021, so the expected cost of lunar terrorism would be around a billion dollars, so the world should be willing to spend that much trying to blow up the moon now before it's too late. Solving the collective-action problems that immediately arise is left as an exercise for the reader.

  • Unger, and plenty of other people, argue that the form of consciousness characteristic of the liberal state is basically a secularized version of transcendence — we consider ourselves to stand in relation to nature and to society as God stands in relation to the world. However, Tony Yayo says, "When I die, I hope heaven looks like the ghetto." Pure immanence. (He also says, "I'm cheap like the Chinese man with duck sauce.")
  • There are those who would deplore things they find insufficiently interesting as "obvious." I've never been a huge fan of the "obvious" critique, although I've certainly deployed it more than a few times in my day. The problem is that it's just too easy to make — too obvious, lol. Any well-articulated observation or theory will, after the fact, seem obvious; that's basically what defines a good explanation or an incisive comment. But that doesn't mean that the auditor would ever have spontaneously hit upon the observation or theory himself without the help of the observer/theorist; the auditor could easily have spent the rest of his life in ignorance. It's a piece of cake turned upside-down to claim independent discovery and roll your eyes when the other dude publishes first, more difficult by half to explain why you didn't beat him to the punch.

    But even with the best of wills, you can end up heckling the "obvious" as "obvious" without really appreciating all the details. This is a large part of why I have a much better grasp of Marx than I do of Mill or Montesquieu, even if said grasp is loose and tremulous in all three cases. Classical liberal thought sounds so familiar, so American, so high-school, that you have to really concentrate to pick up the important nuances. Or at least I do. And I haven't. Which is why I don't know anything, still, after all these years.

  • An obvious point, but one I haven't seen anyone making recently: rapping is hard! Not "rapping" in the sense of content (interesting narratives, clever rhymes), which is also hard, but which people generally acknowledge as being hard, but rather "rapping" in the sense of form — saying things quickly and rhythmically but without slurring your speech or stumbling over your words. Nellie McKay and MC Paul Barman both try their hand at rapping, and both are kind of endearing, but neither can deliver the right syllables reliably; they just make a mess of things. (This is not, or at least not entirely, a racial thing: Eminem, for instance, has no trouble saying what he wants to say.) Anyone who has ever tried to rap along with their favorites — :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ — understands this viscerally. But music critics who dismiss this or that catdog as a "bad rapper" rarely distinguish between the form and content sense in which someone can fail in this endeavor, even though this is a crucial distinction when, e.g, planning a party (not that I have ever done this).
  • It is somewhat well-known that, in the wake of the Matrix movies, lots of people named their daughters Trinity, after the Carrie-Ann (sp?) Moss character. But remember that Trinity was (one must assume) the hacker name she adopted after being rescued from the Matrix the first time around, much as Neo was the hacker name that Mr. (Thomas? I'm forgetting) Anderson took on. There's something a little perverse about a large number of people foisting upon their children a name that, in its original context, symbolized personal freedom and humanity's infinite power to redefine itself. Let the kids name themselves, that's what I say.
  • There's never a dull moment with Unger: "The closer the assignment of jobs comes to the ideal of merit, the more decisive the influence of natural talents in determining social place. The hierarchy of talents, distributed by nature without regard to men's moral purposes, succeeds the accident of inherited wealth and opportunity. The lucky ones can then cash in on the favors of nature like prostitutes whose price depends on whether they are fat or slim." Curveball!
  • It should be clear by now that I'm basically live-blogging my brain.
  • [At this point I fell asleep. My laptop also slept, humming and blinking, right by my side.]

Friday, December 22, 2006

Two Thoughts on the Origins of Life, Inspired by Reading about Science and Talking to My Ladyfriend

  1. [On the difficulties of explaining the origins of life:] Skilled chemists have prepared nucleotides in well-equipped laboratories, and linked them to form RNA, but neither chemists nor laboratories were present when life began on the early Earth.

    Or were they? I propose that the easiest way to solve this problem is to invoke my favorite time-travel paradox. Life began when chemists travelled back in time, synthesized some nucleotides, dropped them in the ocean, and returned to their homes. Then, millions of years later, humans evolved, time travel was invented, and chemists travelled back in time, synthesized some nucleotides…

  2. They [religious types and RNA World believers, mostly] would not be pleased if Freeman Dyson's description proved to be correct: "life began with little bags, the precursors of cells, enclosing small volumes of dirty water containing miscellaneous garbage."

    Quote the ladyfriend: "ewww, life is gross!"

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Two Things

  1. Straight-up reblogging this from Warren Ellis, because it's fabulous: a picture of the cosmos, just a few million years old.

    the universe, but a while ago

    It's got mom's eyes and dad's weird, computer-colored wiggly things.

    "Whatever these objects are, they are intrinsically incredibly bright and very different from anything in existence today."…

    "Imagine trying to see fireworks at night from across a crowded city," said Kashlinsky. "If you could turn off the city lights, you might get a glimpse at the fireworks. We have shut down the lights of the Universe to see the outlines of its first fireworks."

    If I ever write comics, my first story will be based on the Batman cover where the Brain makes him want to commit suicide while Robin watches. But my second story will include a villain calmly saying, "We have shut down the lights of the universe."

  2. A sign advertising a sleep study caught my eye: "WOMEN! Are you a night owl?" This sounded very strange and still does — first it addresses its reader(s) (implicitly) in the second-person plural, then in the second-person singular. But is this actually unusual? "Hey, kids! Tell your mom to buy you shit!" Perhaps it's just that in English "you" can be both singular and plural, so that ambiguity licenses various shady practices. But somehow the ad's use of the phrase "a night owl" throws a spanner in this particular works. Or am I just making this up? The words have lost all meaning!

Four Things

  1. I'm sure everyone remembers when Fox did this thing, but I've never actually seen it before. Nothing short of incredible. The commentary alone is transcendent.

  2. Incidentally, a trend that I have noticed for a while now — people use "v." as the abbreviation for "vs." in all contexts. But, for whatever reason, in years past, "v." was always used exclusively in legal case names. DC vs. Marvel; Brown v. Board of Education. Somewhere along the way, people decided that "v." was always right and "vs." was always wrong. I am sure that this happened, but I have no idea when or why.
  3. When I woke up today, I took a walk to the local non-Starbucks coffee shop, which legitimately offers superior lattes, albeit more expensive ones. At one point I looked at the sidewalk beneath me, and I saw a little red piece of paper. I looked more closely: yup. Just as I had suspected. The upper right corner of a Magic card. Color: red. Type: creature (a dragon of some kind). Summoning cost: three red and three generic mana. Ridiculously expensive, in other words. This was the kind of card that I and every other schmucky little boy just adored when we started to play the game — holy shit, a dragon! It can do so much damage! It is so tough! (In fact, a name occurs to me: Shiva Dragon? Is that the kind of dragon I have the top right corner of?) It only takes a few weeks to realize that these kinds of cards are pretty much useless if you're playing against anyone with a sense of strategy or a well-honed deck. Unfortunately, I had neither, but I was smart enough to realize that people with such things were superior to me, so I had aspirations. As a result, I shunned cards like Shiva Dragon, only to have them hand my ass to me on multiple occasions because I was talking the talk of intelligent play but not walking the walk.
  4. I always preferred White Weenie decks to Control decks. Always.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

No Matter What Pitchfork Tells You

"Silent Shout" by the Knife aka the Arcade Knife on Fire is not the second-best song of any year, especially if that year is 2006. And "Trill" by Clipse is not the best song off Hell Hath No Fury, not even the second or third best. "Keys Open Doors"? Sure. "Chinese New Year"? Quite likely. "Wamp Wamp"? WAMP WAMP!!

I'm not mad at Pitchfork; I'm just disappointed.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

"Simulacra" Wasn't a Very Useful Card in Magic: The Gathering, If I Recall Correctly

A couple of days ago at the library where I work, a "patron" came in seeking what she initially described as "DVDs of soap operas." I told her that I didn't think we had anything like that, but I would check the catalogue if she could come up with specific titles. I was expecting something on the order of General Hospital; instead, she asked for The OC. No such luck. We do, however, have Laguna Beach — would that be an adequate replacement? No, she answered. See, she was from Orange County, and she was homesick. But with The OC nowhere in sight, she left empty-handed.

Questions for discussion:

  1. If all she wanted was The OC, why didn't she just say so? What could she hope to gain by pretending she just wanted "soap operas" and then pulling a switcheroo? It's not like soap operas as a category are more respectable than The OC. Nor would any reasonable person respond to a request for "soap operas" by offering up The OC; it may have soap-opera elements, but then again so do X-Men comics — probably more so.
  2. The OC is fiction; Laguna Beach is, in some fraught but not entirely meaningless sense of the term, reality. What does it say about this person and/or her home county that the only way she could imagine alleviating her homesickness was by consuming a distorted fictional representation of it, not a (readily available) quasi-documentary of it?

Say What You Will about Richard Montagu, but He Certainly Wasn't Making Excuses

The next business [in the English Parliament of 1626] was the case of Richard Montagu [a religious writer who some thought propounded popery]. He had been bound over to attend the Oxford session, but excused himself on the ground that he was 'sick of the passion hypochondriacal.'

—Conrad Russell, Parliaments and English Politics, 1621–1629 (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1979), 240.

This is an excellent tactic. "Sorry, boss, but I can't come in to work today. I've come down with something nasty: hypochondria."

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Dangerous Fucking Minds

Leon N. has just directed me to a Harvard-based group called Rhythm, Rhyme, Results, which is apparent not a joke. Words fail me. You need to see — and hear, hear, hear — this for yourself. But I can't resist highlighting a few choice bits. The slogan:

Educational hip hop is here.
What are you waiting for?

Lyrics to "The Bill of Rights":

The right to free speech and the freedom of church
Are guaranteed by amendment one
Amendment number two says it's true that it's all up to you
If you choose to possess a gun.
The government can't force ya to house and feed a soldier
Says amendment number three…

I really don't envy these fools their self-appointed mission: the framers didn't do them any favors by front-loading the BoR with two of the doofiest, most anachronistic amendments out there. (No, I don't mean the first amendment, although I would try to think of some riff on that theme if my wits hadn't been utterly discombobulated by this ridiculous discovery.) Then again, do we really need a bunch of Harvard students to teach "at-risk" youth that it's "all up to [them]…[to] choose to possess a gun"? I would have thought that non-educational hip-hop had already delivered that message more than adequately.

The other demo track, "The Circulatory System," is pretty much the exact same song as They Might Be Giants' "The Bloodmobile" from Venue Songs, but, without ego, I'd wager that I'm the only person likely to make this connection.

What is wrong with everyone? Has this kind of thing ever worked at all, except at the level of kitsch? Doesn't anyone remember being a kid — specifically the aspect of being a kid that consists in effortlessly perceiving the transparent trickery of adults who think that they can make lame things seem cool by lamely pretending to be cool themselves? Besides, Cam'ron's already cornered the market on educational hip-hop:

Looking back on school
Arts and crafts
Fucked half the staff
Beat up half the class
I was like Dr. Dre, though —
I have to laugh —
N***a with an attitude
Meet me after math

(Liveblogging discovery: you can't enter the Aftermath web site until you pick your language — English or German. Was?!)

And I'd be remiss if I didn't throw in Cam'ron's other pronouncement on education, this one in prose form:

My whole life I heard, 'Go to school. Get a education. Go to college.' What the fuck for? So I could get a job making thirty thousand a year and pay back my fucking student loans? Plus, how the fuck am I going to buy Lamborghinis, Ferraris, and go to Miami ten times a year doing that dumb shit?

Rhythm, rhyme, results.

This Just In

Subject: blog it, fool
From: heidegger

Rumsfeld poses with Captain America and Spider-Man

(End transmission.)

Apparently this happened last April — well before the current Civil War began. So Cap and Spidey have yet to come to blows over the Registration Act, explaining their cordial co-presence. (Of course, the two heroes have since reconciled and are now both running from the law, but that wouldn't explain their friendliness with the ex–secretary of defense, especially since, in the Marvel universe, the last secretary of defense was Iron Man, Cap's opposite number in CW. Making matters more complicated still, Warren Ellis's upcoming run on Thunderbolts, which spins out of CW, will cast the original Green Goblin as "a Donald Rumsfeld–like pubic [sic!] governmental figure," according to Ellis. Suspicious.)

And speaking of Ellis (parenthetically, anyway), he just del.icio.us'd a link to some badass futuristic warning signs, as imagined by Flickr user Arenamontanus:

memetic hazard sign

Optimizing

We would all be better off if, at birth, everyone was assigned an explicit utility function. Most would receive simple, mathematically tractable ones, like log or quadratic utility of wealth. Economists' predictions would instantly become precise, and, when faced with difficult choices, people could turn to Excel or a slide rule instead of wasting time with old-fashioned introspection.

For the sake of variety, a small fraction of the population would be assigned unusual, maladaptive, or even socially harmful utility functions. Condemned by the hand of fate to be compulsive gamblers, serial killers, or ascetics, these people could at least enjoy their state-mandated pleasures without guilt, knowing that everything happens for a reason, at least to a first-order Taylor-series approximation.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Most Bewildering Blog-Related Sentence I've Read Since Waking Up an Hour Ago

Glassy Eyes is a terrific blog about buying super cheap prescription eyeglasses online.

That's…it?

Friday, December 08, 2006

My Tiny World Is Invaded by Hypercubes

All right, none of this makes sense.

For those who don't know, 52 is a weekly comics series currently being published by DC. It tells, in real time (sort of), the story of the year that elapsed (in the characters' lives) between a previous DC series, the ever-hilariously named Infinite Crisis, and the set of storylines that has been released since the end of IC under the banner "One Year Later." This is a Big Event Comic, partially because DC has dubbed it so (repeatedly and with great vehemence), partially because it is written by a consortium of four of superhero comics' top writers (although I only actually enjoy the writing of around 1.8 of them), and partially because weekly comics are fairly rare, especially in a world where most high-profile comics consistently fail to ship on schedule.

So I read this week's issue, and it involves giant white cubes annihilating the life on some alien planet. I'm thinking, hey, this is like that Flatland thing: a four-dimensional creature interacting with our three-dimensional world would look bizarre to us, but the example often given to aid intuition is that, just as a two-dimensional cross-section of a cube is a square, a three-dimensional cross-section of a four-dimensional hypercube would be a cube. Since one of the writers, Grant Morrison, has messed with this kind of sci-fi notion many times in other works of his, I figure this is a plausible theory, and I had planned to blog about it just so, if I turn out to be right later, I can have evidence. To show. The police.

Anyway: there's sort of a point to this. After reading 52, I read the latest of the weekly interviews that the book's editor does with the comics news site Newsarama, which I reload probably a trillion times a day. He mentions something about the clues that have been given so far as to the identity of a mystery character called Supernova. He also mentions how he's not too crazy about people trying to spoil all the suprises in the series on their daily 52 blogs. This is a reference, I assume, to the blog 52 Pickup, which I'd looked at a little bit before. So I head over there, and sure enough, this bastard has scooped me (not that my point was so un-obvious, but still).

I have mixed feelings about the Big Scary White Cubes, but they do have a certain chilling blankness--speaking of Prisoner allusions, as I was a few weeks ago, they're somewhat Rover-ish.…And the idea of them being from "beyond the [52?] gates of spacetime itself" makes them come off as greater-than-three-dimensional incursions into three-dimensional space. (Morrison has played with this idea a lot before…)

(Prisoner refers, of course, to the British TV show of the same name, which I've spent a fair amount of time watching via Netflix.) This same blogger does in fact seem to spoil the Supernova mystery through a combination of smarts & obscure comics knowledge; in the process of explaining his theory, he links to this old Justice League cover:

Justice League of America #150 cover w/'key-hole traps'

Ahem: "I've got you caught in my key-hole traps, Justice Leaguers…" !! I actually think I've seen this cover before, but still.

Elsewhere in the same 52 Pickup entry, the blogger, apparently correcting an error in this week's Justice Society (not League) of America #1, notes that "Harvard University does not have sororities (or fraternities), and virtually all undergrads live on campus." Hm. I read the previous entry, which is entitled "The Panopticon in the Empty Quarter" and which discusses Bentham/Foucault at length. Hm.

A few minutes of poking later, and I learn that the blogger, Douglas Wolk, graduated (magna cum laude) from Harvard. A Hollis search brings up a book that he wrote as an Adult (Live at the Apollo), but also A Translation of Horace's Ode II.13, which in 1991 won the John Osborne Sargent Prize for a Latin Translation, and My Collection of Alan Moore's Work, a bibliography for which he won the Visiting Committee Prize for Undergraduate Personal Libraries, also in 1991. (His write-up is, incidentally, the only work in Harvard's possession that falls under the "Moore, Alan -- Bibliography" subject heading.) He was also the WHRB music director at some point.

He's a fairly prolific freelance writer. He had a music column in the Seattle Weekly until March 15; the title of the column was

Smallmouth.

"This is the final installment of the third incarnation of this column. (Smallmouth originally ran in Rockpool in 1992 and 1993, and then from 1997 to 2002 in the Boston Phoenix. In answer to the question nobody ever asked, it's named after a very good album by Scrawl.) Thanks to all my readers, especially the angry Norwegians." Scandimania?

::brain explodes::

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

"The Fore Room of Love's Treasury" Is Probably among the Top Ten Best 18th-Century Euphemisms

From the eighth edition of Wits academy: or, the muses delight. Being the newest academy of complements. Consisting of merry dialogues upon various occasions, composed of mirth, wit, and eloquence. As also divers sorts of letters upon several occasions, both merry and jocose: helpful for the inexpert to imitate, and pleasant to those of better judgment, at their own leisure to peruse. With a perfect collection of all the newest and best songs and catches, that are and have been in request at Court, and both the Theatres, published in 1701:

Come all you Gallants that live near the Court,
Unto the brisk Dames of the City resort:
There's none of your Misses can show you such sport
As we, who for you complain.

Some of our Husbands do lead such dull Lives,
So plunged in Care, and for Wealth so contrives,
That scarce one Night in ten lie close to their Wives,
Which makes us so much to complain.

Betimes in the Morning abroad they do run,
Leaving their Wives in their Beds alone,
Not minding that Business which should be first done
Which makes us so much to complain.

Though many have Dullards, yet I have got one
That keeps a young Miss who hath his Heart won,
For she sucks the Marrow, and I pick the Bone,
Which makes me full fore to complain.

Since so he disdains me a Miss for to keep,
Soon into the Favour of Gallants I'll creep,
Who shall the Fore room of Love's Treasury sweep,
And then let the Cuckold complain.

I'll buy me new Towers, lac'd Gowns of the best
To the view of kind Lovers lay open my Breast,
So by that they may know my Mind to the rest,
And my Languishing Eyes shall complain.

I care not to tell you the Place where I dwell,
But I go by the Name of Bright Madam Bell,
Because I love Clappers that make me sound well,
Of which I will never complain.

When I by my Art had learnt the right way
With Gallants and Tradesmen to sport and to play,
I'll tell you how many there came in one Day,
And I had no cause to complain.

The first that attempted my Love for to win,
An old Gamester at Court long time he had been,
For he knew the right way to play at In and In,
Who made me leave off to complain.

When from me he went, a Sword-man soon got
A sight of my Face; and if I deny'd not,
He would venture a Pass if he dy'd on the spot,
And I had no cause to complain.

As pretty an Archer as ever had been,
Made me stand for his Butt, and thought it no Sin;
Quite up to the Feathers to shoot his Dart in,
Then I had no cause to complain.

Another brave Archer, a swaggering Spark,
Tho' the Curtains were drawn, and I lay in the dark,
Yet he too such an aim, that he hit the right Mark,
And of him I will never complain.

The next that approach'd was a Surgeon of Spain,
Who drew out his Lancet to open my Vein,
Which neatly he did, and ne'er put me to pain,
And I had no cause to complain.

A very rich Mercant gave me Jewels fine,
With many choice Dainties, and good store of Wine,
To let him once dig in my hidden Mine,
And of which I cannot complain.

My passionate Landlord would not be content,
Until he had gained his Tenants Consent:
He had one Minute's Pleasure for Fifty Weeks Rent;
No Cuckold of that can complain.

A Gentleman came that did once live at Bow,
He out of my Shop vow'd never to go
Until he had been in my Ware-house below,
And of which I could not complain.

A lusty stout Captain laid Siege to my Fort,
For he knew by my Looks that I loved the Sport,
And he had a Gun gave such a Report,
That I could not at all complain.

The last was a Doctor well skill'd in the Law,
I inflamed his Blood, which made him to draw;
But my young Man peep'd through the Key-hole and saw,
Which made me to fear he'd complain.

When his Master, next Morning, was gone to the Strand,
For to make him amends I quickly began
For I let him do as did the last Man;
Then he vow'd he would never complain.

And now to conclude, I bid you all Adieu,
For I never will yield to love above Two,
The Master and Man which my Business can do,
For more I will never complain.

What the hell? This shit reads like Lil' Kim!

Dear past: You remain fucked up. Love, KH.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

A Preview of the Remix

You know that bit from the Clipse's version of "Mic Check" that I love so dearly for whatever reason?

I'm so literary with it
You can tell how I write
The boy's such an author
I should smoke a pipe

I just realized that it would be even better if it went like this:

I'm so literary with it
You can tell how I write
The boy's such an author
This is not a pipe

Just a suggestion, Gene!

Another thought, which even fewer people will care about or understand: John Linnell : They Might Be Giants :: Malice : The Clipse. Critic/genius? You decide.

Monday, December 04, 2006

The Boom Anime Babes

My fellow Blogger blogger Greg Mankiw, who is apparently a professor at some American university, has been defined by Urban Dictionary as follows:

Gregory Manikow

A fast-talking economic adviser of George W. Bush. The fellow who claimed that oursourcing US jobs was good for the US economy.

One more shining example of the Bush presidency far-reacing incompetence. Manikow's current project is the destruction of the existing social security system.

Hey Greg...can you spell "incompetent fast-talking dickhead"?

That depends. Can you spell Mankiw?

This definition has one thumb down.

Two more UD insights:

  1. The second definition of "belly button" (42 thumbs up, 27 thumbs down) is "the navel (very common)."
  2. This. Kind of defies all explanation. Why three times? Two on the same day! All in 2003!

Slate Now Just Fucking with You

Correction, Dec. 4, 2006: An earlier version of this column made erroneous reference to the Toronto Post. There is no Toronto Post.

Didn't I Say the Reviews Were Incredibly Good?

Via the X-Axis:

ONSLAUGHT REBORN #1 - Well, it's what you'd expect, really. Onslaught returns thanks to M-Day, the all-purpose event that does everything. He immediately sets out after Franklin Richards again, fights the Fantastic Four, and chases him to Counter-Earth. And that's pretty much a thorough synopsis of the whole issue. Rob Liefeld does what we've come to expect from him, while writer Jeph Loeb doesn't so much phone it in as scribble it on the back of a stamp and staple it to a passing carrier pigeon. Utterly awful, but at the same time, it's no worse than you'd expect. Quality isirrelevant to Rob Liefeld comics, in the same way that it's irrelevant to Crazy Frog ringtones. If for some reason you actually want this comic, it will provide you with whatever you were after. I suppose you've got to give it that.

In other news, Young Jeezy blatantly steals one of Cam'ron's jokes on this new-ish song "3 A.M." that Pitchfork reviewed today. Jeezy: "Parked the 430 / Came back in a spaceship (damn)." Apparently 430 = the F430, which is some Ferrari thing, blah blah, I don't understand cars. But Cam already riffed this riff on "It's Nothing": "'cause of cake mix / Ten homes, eight whips [i.e. cars] / But them eight whips I'm 'bout to trade for a spaceship." Q.E.D., rap fans!

UPDATE: Loyal reader Leon N. responds:

Love the blog, Keyhole! But the thing about your post is that the Young Jeezy thing is not even a joke (unless "430" is some kind of spaceship/space reference), while the Cam'ron one is if only by virtue of the whip/ship rhyme. Arguably still not a joke but moreso due to the frequency with which "whips" is used and the infrequency with which it is rhymed with spaceship.

First of all, thanks for the support, Leon! We really value our readers here at Keyhole Central, and it's always nice to get feedback! As for your point about Jeezy and Cam'ron, I think you're mostly right about why Cam's riff seems to be more of a joke than Jeezy's: because it rhymes with something. To be fair, Jeezy's sort of does too, but it's totally irrelevant and not much of a rhyme, so I didn't bother to quote it. Still, I'm not sure that the funny noise sounds (this is what I call a rhyme) really add as much to the humor as we imagine. The joke in both cases is basically: picture a person owning a spaceship and using it for incredibly trivial purposes! In other words, picture NASA. (Ass-a.) Also, note that Jeezy uses his spaceship to complement his luxury car: he drives the latter to the parking lot, switches to the former, and then, I think, goes to the club. (The club is in space. The parking lot is in Cape Canaveral.) Cam'ron, on the other hand, is too poor to operate both a car and a spaceship. He must first accumulate several cars, then trade them in. Apparently he doesn't have enough in the way of liquid assets to complete the transaction any other way. That's something I can relate to personally, and it is this down-to-earth ("Get it? You [bloggers] is slow, man" —Young Jeezy) spirit that makes Cam'ron the rich guy of the common man.

Probably One of Those Rectangular Ones the Japanese Made

Headline: Bank of New York to Buy Mellon for $16.5 Billion

All I could think was: damn, that better be one good melon.

EDIT: Oh shit!!!!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

You Might Think the Reviews Couldn't Be That Good, but They Are Incredibly Good

Linkblogging, kiddies: I absolutely adore this crisp and cutting piece by Daniel Davies, one of my top three online intellectual heroes (the other two being Cosma Shalizi (a physicist previously mentioned in these pages) and Paul O'Brien (a Scottish lawyer who reviews X-Men comics)). It's basically a takedown of the argument that we must continue to prosecute the war in Iraq in order to maintain strategic credibility, i.e. a reputation for not being wimps. This line of reasoning, says Davies, has

the kind of combination of “counter-intuitive” thinking and political convenience that always appeals to the armchair Machiavelli, as well as to the kind of person who thinks it’s witty to describe things as “Economics 101”(Airmiles [i.e. Thomas Friedman —KH] has been all over this one for ages, naturally). What’s it like as a piece of game-theoretic reasoning?

Lousy. It is certainly true that one of the benefits of doing something stupid is that it saves you from having to spend money on maintaining your reputation as an idiot. However, is the reputation of an idiot really worth having?

It turns out that it can be proved by theorem that the answer is no…

Just read it. And don't make fun of me for being sincere about things! I see you snickering.

Wonder Woman asking, 'Dome? DOME?'

Friday, December 01, 2006

Capitalism Officially Zany

You can buy options on futures.

Futures options futures options futures options futures options. Say that ten times fast, or until the revolution occurs — whichever comes first.

EDIT: Perhaps crazier still: "Today, trading volume in currency futures options dominates by far trading in currency options." More people are betting on how people in the future are going to bet on how the values of currencies will shift in the still further future than are betting on what the values of currencies will actually be in the future. All together now: 8 O